Today I Felt Like Quitting.

And then there are days like today... where I just feel like I am done.

I wonder sometimes if it is just pathological demand avoidance, or a huge dose of oppositional defiance that brings it on. Is that just me trying to justify how I feel, by using terms related to my neurodivergent mind?

Whatever it is, it feels like a cross between an itch or impulsive tic. I can feel it rising inside of me and I can spend the whole day pushing it down - dampening those flames as best as I can.

This afternoon I sat in a session with a client and I distinctly remember this voice in my head (my internal monologue - I'm not in psychosis) screaming…

"I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!"

I wasn't tired or grumpy, I was just done with it. Perhaps, if I am honest I was looking at this client and thinking "I don't know where to start with you, and you don’t even know what you want from this!"

I am so done with mental health services pushing back. I get why - they are crumbling with not enough staff - but hell no! I can't cope with holding on to another traumatised person I don't feel qualified nor paid enough to deal with.

I don't want to talk about this shit in reflective practice, because it's not going to stop it happening. All of my colleagues will nod their heads in agreement, they will sit silently, looking down at the floor uncomfortably, and be made to follow the model that says they need to ask open questions, and then offer some possible solutions… and what would that be?

My leadership team are not going to be sat in those one to one sessions with me. I am alone in there looking like a calm swan, when underneath I am paddling like crazy to stay afloat.

Are these people actually traumatising me?

In a conversation randomly brought up today with another colleague from another team we questioned the vicarious trauma being inflicted.

Jobs in the care sector are breaking people. She told me of a young, 21 year old who worked in a supported living place for people with severe mental health problems. In hospital they were 3:1 for safety, here this young girl goes into the patients room alone, and on number of occasions has had to cut a ligature from around their neck. Nobody listens. There isn't enough staff, money or any other resources to make it better - and so it persists.

Okay, I don't have it as bad as this young person, but I do think that I have started to acquire a slight fear of traumatised clients. They are impulsive, they whirr themselves up, crying, rocking, hitting themselves, self harming in discrete ways, disassociating from reality. They can't have trauma therapy because they are too unstable - They can't have secondary mental health care because they aren't unwell enough. So we get them.

In 4 years in this role I have never had training on how to regulate someone's emotions. I have simply taught myself - researched, watched videos, learned how to use bilateral stimulation and grounding techniques. But what if I do more harm than good?

The mind is delicate, not like a flower, like a fucking bomb. You have to handle someone's mind with such gentle care, one wrong move can change everything and create another shower of shit for them to deal with.

I feel alone

The biggest factor is that I feel alone. I'm not a needy employee - Like hell do I need help where the majority of tasks are concerned. But occasionally I want help. In fact I don't just want a bit of advice, I want a whole fucking resus team, every god damn person in a uniform on the ward running to help me like the world is ending kind of level of support.

One thing from being a nurse that I always took comfort from, whenever I did spend time on a ward, was that God damn red triangle switch. When you pull that switch EVERYONE moves at the speed of light.

You feel seen, heard, noticed and most importantly you know someone has your back. Yet elsewhere in the world of work - outside healthcare or emergency services, there is no back up like this. Have we now become so desensitised that we can’t even care for our own team?

It is so rare that I shout for help, and when I do, I still am the one doing the graft - nobody is taking over. I just get told what to do - how to handle it. You could argue it's to build my confidence or skills, you could say that I am best placed to have these challenging conversations as I have connected with the client, but if you got on well with the hospital cleaner you still wouldn't want her doing your surgery would you?

There is a hierarchy for a reason. Leadership teams want and are there to lead, they enjoy the power that comes with making decisions, they thrive on the information only managers need to know, and enjoy shopping trips on the extra money they earn for those responsibilities.

I do not get paid nor carry the responsibility… the buck doesn’t stop with me. So when I say I am struggling, I expect someone else with strength to take over from me and allow me to catch my breath.

Can I leave now?

I typed super quick, I got frustrated with emails, I sent out letters, and rolled my eyes a lot. I delivered half arsed psychoeducation sessions to my other clients, and my time management plan I was trying to stick to went out of the window.

There were many stifled “WTAF’S”, and chats about how shit things are. I admitted to those around me I have a job interview for a different organisation, and a whole different role next week. I sat wondering why I was there, debating what my husband would say if I went home and said “ Hey babe, I’ve kinda quit my job” I wondered if I could get another job within 4 week… I shared my dream of spending the rest of my working life (around 25 years) sitting in my office at home, writing for a living. We laughed about retiring before dying. I said my plan B was to be a HGV driver, because it seems cool.

I survived the day...

Without handing in a resignation letter or flipping the monopoly board skywards in a tantrum. I closed my laptop, signed myself out and went home to eat chocolate, doom scroll and then write it all out here.

I activated my survival tactics, my coping strategies and grounding techniques. I processed the day in the way I have learned works best for me. I consulted my tarot cards, and weighed up my options for the future. I told my husband I didn’t take my ADHD meds today, and he laughed and said “Ah that’s maybe why then!”

I still might quit though…next week.

Fergs🖤